


God this job sucks

by Caffine_Major



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Body Guard, F/F, Gonna make a fuckin' world here, M/M, POV First Person, Sharing a Bed, This Is STUPID, Who even knows? - Freeform, get all that world building, gonna be sweet trash, i guess, probably trash, shit gets weird fast, technically kingdomstuck?, wow look at them cliches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-01 02:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14510958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffine_Major/pseuds/Caffine_Major
Summary: Karkat Vantas: body guard one of the youngest, good at his job though.Dave Strider: One of the Princes of Derse, not an heir to the throne but still in danger of assassinations.





	1. First day and I've already fucked up

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this tumblr post: http://alphabetaus.tumblr.com/post/173486687558/hello-can-i-request-aus-for-a-diplomat-or  
> if they have a problem with me using the prompt/au I would gladly take it down.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day one: I've already fucked this up major league. I'm never telling Kankri about this.  
> __  
> Alt title: Help

My name is Karkat Vantas and I've recently come into a new job. A great opportunity really. Now I'm a body guard for hire, one of the youngest. Haven't had a lot of work lately but that doesn't matter it pays well. Now this job is special in it's own little way, it's for a prince. Not the future king of course, but his younger brother! I'm not sure what happened to his first body guard but it's none of my buisness. It's even a live in job! I love those jobs, free place to stay, free food, and I'm getting paid? Sounds like a dream. There is the risk of me getting shot but that's no big deal really? I'd been packing when I heard the knock at the door of my room. Knock-Knock na-knock-knock. "Come in." it's always the same beat. Shave and a haircut. I'm used to it. "What is it Kankri?" I pray to any god that exists that it's not a speech.

"Hello Karkat! I was simply wondering if you were finished packing?" good doesn't sound like a speech "Mainly because I need to leave soon, and I want to ensure that you get this." he's holding up a small red box, tied up with a black ribbon. "It's a going away present, I thought you might like it. It's nothing much but it should remind you of home." I take the box from him and untie the ribbon, slipping it into my pocket, in the box in a mess of padding is a chain with a pendent bearing the cancer sign on it. Engraved on the back of the pendent are the names of my Dad and of Kankri. It's nice. "It's a locket, it's already got a picture of the family in it."

"Thanks Kankri, I'll be seeing you around." and for the first time in who knows how long I hug my brother. I love Kankri and all but sometimes he just won't shut up. "Love you, don't get shot."

"You too little brother." one last hug, and I'm grabbing my duffel bag and catching the...limo...he sent a fuckin' limo to pick me up. I've had people send cars to pick me up but never anything nice! It's always just like a taxi or some shit, but no this dude sent me a limo. As I stand there shocked that he would bother to use a nice car to pick up a body guard, one of the tinted windows rolls down, and out leans a mop of blonde hair, and some mirror shades. It's a few seconds until he says anything.

"Yo, get in the car!" now that's just rude, I don't know who this guy is but I assume he's just the head of security or some shit. I climb in though and set my duffel bag down on the floor. "Nice to meet you." shades stretches out a hand, I shake it and he nods a bit.

"Karkat Vantas, nice to meet you too."

"You're a lot younger than I would've guessed." asshole. That's honestly one of the dumbest things to say to a person. I am pretty young but I'm still a professional.

"Don't care. Who the fuck are you? And who the fuck sends a limo to pick up a new body guard?" shades seems shocked by this reaction, must not be used to being talked back to. Well he better be ready, that's all I do.

"Well I can answer those two questions at the same time, Dave Strider. Prince." fuck. Oh fuck me up the ass with a chain saw.

"I am so sorry, sir. I just...." he cuts me off before I can finish this blundering excuse for an apology.

"It's all good, most people don't know what I look like, besides maybe the limo was a bit much."

"So...do you send a fucking limo to pick up all of your new body guards or am I really that important?" it's a joke really but he starts to smile. He's got braces.

"You're definitely important," wait what. How? I'm just a body guard. "You're my new personal guard." That wasn't in the job description.

"Listen I'm not being paid to baby sit some seventeen-year-old..." another cut off. He really loves talking.

"I'm not seventeen. I'm in my twenties. Early to be true. I'm only what twenty-two?" he must notice the look of disbelief I know I'm pulling "I know I've got braces. I need them though. My teeth were fucked as a kid. All of them grew in weird. Also how didn't you know? And 'some seventeen-year-old' what?" he arches one perfect eyebrow. It doesn't fit his round face.

"Well, I don't really keep tabs on the royal family, though I guess now I have to, and I was gonna say some-seventeen-year-old brat," wait...shit... "I mean, well, not a brat, but moreover a...what's the word?"

"I think it's 'brat' and no you don't have to keep tabs on my family, just me." he smirks and I'm beginning to think he wears mirror shades so he doesn't get blinded by his braces.

"What do you mean just you? I know you said personal guard, but I just thought you meant I would still have to guard your whole family." and he laughs. A series of odd monotone barks. Not forced though.

"No we've all got our own, Dirks got Jake," he must be talking about the small guard who tails the heir to the throne "Rose has Kanaya, Roxy's got Callie," the two princesses of the Derse kingdom "But me? I'm only getting one now. How unfair is that? I'm older than Rose! She's not even in line for the throne," neither is he. He's third in line really, but that's not gonna happen. And honestly I'm getting a bit annoyed about how he's talking about having a guard, like I'm some shiny new toy he's gotten for Saint's day. "But now I have you! Honestly you were the only candidate I wanted. You're just perfect." He's leaning forward a bit, even with the shades I can tell he's staring at me. Looking me over.

"It's rude to stare sir. Didn't anybody teach you any manners? And as a matter of fact I don't remember applying for this. Just getting a notice I was hired. What the hell is up with that?" he sits back crossing his legs daintily.

"Well...they tried to teach me manners but I never bothered paying attention to the lessons. And you didn't necessarily 'apply' I got to choose," he doesn't get excited easily but when he does he seems...vaguely frightening. "I was given a wide array of choice, but you, well like I said...you're just perfect." Something in his voice changes at that, I don't know why but I feel almost like I'm prey. He's a cat playing with a mouse before it dies.

"Now what does that mean exactly? 'perfect' I want to know why I'm the best choice for this."

"Simple really, you're the same age as me for one. And your file said that you were from Prospit right? That's pretty cool, Rose's is from there too. In fact so are all our personal guards, but you're still different. You're the only one who had been to both Prospit and Derse, that makes you objectively better than the other three," this is getting irritating, fast "Honestly you're as a whole better than the other three. Who cares about them or my family though. Tell me about you Kitkat." that's the final straw! But like any good guard I'll keep manifesting straws straight out of the fucking void in order to do my job.

"Firstly sir, it's Karkat. What do you want to know about me? Secondly, I don't appreciate being referred to in the terms of a new toy." he cocks his head.

"Feisty, I like that. My apologies though Karkat, but as Prince of Derse and your boss I will use any terms I wish with you." I'm not even sure the void has this many straws to manifest.

"I can always quit."

"Not really. I wanted you to be my guard."

"Well than how did you treat other guards? Not like this I hope for then they must be populating the asylums more than anybody else." he shrugs a bit.

"I've never had a personal guard. Don't see why Rose needs one before me. My family tends to treat theirs like this, so I don't know what you mean."

"Well they're wrong. I'm not a toy. I'm somebody with a job. And that, according to the notice, is to keep you safe and I guess something else it's kinda unclear."

"Well.....you're also taking the place of a normal servant. Not a guards job but still. Also who says you aren't a toy? I mean I asked for you, and I got you." I take a deep breath trying to avoid yelling.

"Well did you whine and beg for me to be your guard to your parents? Honestly sir you need to know the difference. I'm a living thing, a person just like you are. Besides I don't come wrapped up in a neat bow under a wreath."

"I wish, that's how Dirk got Jake. It was weird though...I don't think Dirk wanted that. Anyway yeah that's exactly what I did," what now. "I had to beg mother for you, father couldn't care less. They eventually gave in and let me choose one, kinda like a puppy from a pen." the limo stops with a slight jerk, I didn't even know it was moving. He looks out the window and grins. "Welcome to your new home. Let's go." I, being a good guard, reach for the door, but he bats my hand away. "I've got it. I don't need help with everything." He pushes open the doors and leads me out, handing me my duffel bag. There it is. The Derse palace. Carved right into the mountain, all tall spires and cold brick. It doesn't seem too inviting but the way the prince looks at it I can tell he loves it.

"So sir, is there any way you'd like me to address you?" just a simple thing. A work thing.

"Daddy." good Skaia.

"No."

"Then I guess by name? Last name though." Strider seems a bit...unprofessional though.

"I'll go with Mr. Strider thank you. Now if I may ask where am I staying?"

"Just follow me, try to keep up."

I have a hard time "trying to keep up" although, sitting he looks smaller, standing he is well over six feet. His legs take long confident steps, while I struggle to keep up. He drags me up two flights of curling stairs, around a corner and eventually (after many more stairs, all taken two at a time) to a red door set into the stone brick. It looks more like a door one would see on a dungeon entrance but as he opens it and drags me inside, slamming the door, I realize that it's his room. It's very...red. A large bed takes up a space between two small pane-less windows, it's got a curtain pulled shut around it, attached to four large posts. A wardrobe takes up a small amount of space by the door. It doesn't look used though as they're are clothes scattered across the floor, laying over books and wires. A turntable by the balcony is the only clean surface. There's a small room with a love-seat and a mini-fridge in it. Across from it under a flat screen is a dark fire place intricately carved with pictures of birds. Cozy. The love-seat matches the bed, red and velvet. Enough for me to swim in. There's a small cage though on the balcony, empty and open. The whole room screams richness and superiority.

"So Mr. Strider where am I sleeping? In a room off of here or," I trail off. He stares for a second, before silently pointing toward the bed. "You want me to sleep in your bed? Really? I'm not a pet Mr. Strider."

"No, you have to."

"Mr. Strider. No."

"You _have_ to."

" _No_. I do not have to just because you are my boss. I will not sleep in your bed."

"No, you _literally_ have to sleep in my bed."

"Why exactly do I have to sleep in the same bed as you?"

"Okay so you know how we're in mountains," I nod, or course. "And it's cold as fuck," more nodding on my end "Well me and my siblings all sleep in these towers. It's colder the higher you get and I'm the highest so it's the coldest. Of course we've got fire places, but we all still get way to cold. And burning wood all day and night would be wasteful. It would take from the kingdom. So we only burn it during the day. At night though it's even colder. So obviously we've got these sweet ass blankets, but that only works when you're already warm. Otherwise it just traps all that nasty stale air under itself. And people here well we don't produce heat as well as others...just my family really. So we need people to like sleep with us...no that sounds wrong. To sleep in the same bed as us, so we don't freeze to death."

"Maybe you wouldn't be so cold if your windows had panes." another series of monotone barks.

"We've tried idiot, they crack before they get up here." I'm not sure that's how glass works.

"Fine I'll sleep in your bed. Don't touch me though."

"I have to touch you, or I'll still be cold." I'm being paid to cuddle a man so he won't die. Sweet gods that sounds so weird.

"Fine! Sounds fake but whatever!" he smiles again, braces lit by the cold sun.

"Great, so question. Nothing big but...." he trails off muttering something.

"What? I couldn't hear you."

"What do you sleep in?" oh. my. gods.

"I sleep in clothes obviously. Why? You hoping to cop a feel or something?" his pale skin turns red. It spreads to the tips of his ears. They stick out too much.

"No! Of course not it's just that I need to be really close and apparently some people sleep nude. Like Dirk's guard does, but like I don't think either of them cares. I'd really care though because that'd be kinda weird. To sleep in bed with a naked person. While fully clothed and I mean that'd be really weird and you might not like that because you don't know me," Strider continues to ramble until there's a sharp knock on the door. "What?"

A similarly pale head pops in, this time with triangular shades. He looks like Strider: pale, freckled, white blonde hair. His is neater. He as a whole is sharper than Strider. A more beak like nose, a harder jaw, broader shoulders. "I wanted to know if your guard was here but it's clear he is," he nods at me "So did you tell him his job?"

"I just did. It's all fine with him."

"Good," he turns to me "Take care of Dave, he's...let's just say it he's an idiot." true.

"Dirk! Do you need anything else? If not please leave." before he can I interrupt to ask a question.

"Are you sleeping with your guard?" the little color in Dirk's face drains.

"Why would you think that?" his voice is strained, he's in love isn't he?

"Mr. Strider told me. It's a condition yes? You're family can't produce heat and needs to sleep with others in order to not freeze correct?"

"Oh...of course. Yes that is correct. Mine is named Jake if you need anything ask him or Dave. Jake's been here the longest of any of the guards."

"Noted of course," With that the Prince leaves. When I'm sure he's out of hearing range, I turn back to Strider. "He loves Jake doesn't he? In love if I do say so myself."

"What of course not? Why would you think that?" honestly he's an idiot

"Did you not see the way he reacted when I asked about him sleeping with his guard? It's like he really thought I was asking if he was fucking him."

"Well that is a bit weird, but I think it's kinda illegal to date someone who's your employee?"

"Doesn't mean they won't do it."

"True. So now I gotta show you around! Didn't get to welcome you to my room, your new room, whatever. So over there is the sitting room," he gestures in the general direction of the love-seat. "There's the bathroom," he points at another red door. "And that cage is for sprite."

"Sprite?"

"Bird of mine, he's cool. Gotta admit he comes and goes as he wants," sound nice. "So I've got things to do today, so I guess just follow me around. Be good though. I don't want my parents taking you away." there he goes again, treating me like some kind of shiny new toy, one that can be taken away. I nod though. And Follow him out as he adjusts his tie. It's not tied right.

* * *

God I hate this job. Really. It's so boring. I've been standing behind Strider for hours now. Listening to him talk and staring at the other guards. Dirk's guard is a short, happy man who looks quite strong. Roxy's guard is a small woman with a frail look about her, who's holding a large gun with her. Probably to make up for her obvious lack of muscle. Rose's guard is a tall women who I happen to know, Kanaya Maryam, she's quite nice suited to being a body guard. Great sense of protection. That gets boring fast though, the same people, different room. Usually I don't get live in jobs and now I know why Kankri complains about his. Between meetings I try to help Mr. Strider out. On our way to the last one, I grab his shoulder to stop him.

"Your tie isn't tied correctly. Let me fix it." it's been bugging me.

"Thank you." Another blinding metal smile, he smiles a lot. At me that is, to his family though and most people he seems to try to stay static. I unfurl the red silk, and carefully tie it into a knot. When I tug on it to tighten it, he turns a pale pink color. Weird.

"There you go. Better?" he nods "Good, it was getting annoying watching you mess with it all the time."

"Really? You can't just be nice?"

"You should learn how to tie a tie then. I don't want to have to help you get dressed. You're not a child."

"Well yeah that's true, but I don't have to learn you're here." sweet gods that's such a stupid thing to think.

After the last meeting, which I can't even remember, he drags me up to his room. Of course when I'm tired and vaguely annoyed is when I realize that his room is the highest point of the palace.

"So Mr. Strider, straight to bed? I'm fuckin' exhausted." I'm tired, I want to sleep.

"What? No I don't wanna go to bed yet, not tired. Besides I want you to meet sprite," a bird. He wants me to meet a fuckin' bird. "I know he's back by now, always is." He pushes open the door to his, or I suppose our, room and drags me inside kicking the door shut. He drags me, almost literally, to the large cage on the balcony. "There he is." inside the formerly empty cage is a large bird, with oddly round eyes. It's orange, with curling tail feathers that are almost as long as my arm. It's beak is rounded though, so it can't be a bird of prey. "'Sup sprite, sorry you just got back, but it's still nap time dude." he talks to the bird. Gods what am I dealing with. He throws a thin red blanket over the squawking thing. "Okay there you go. Now we go to bed."

He strolls over the the bathroom though, closing the door behind him with a slam. As I change there, I listen to him. He's...singing. It's quiet but I can still hear him. His voice reminds me of good coffee, deep and smooth. When he comes out of the bathroom he's changed into a set of red pajamas. They have a pattern of playing card suites on them. He's smiling.

"Sooooo I have one last question." doesn't he always?

"What?"

"How tired are you? Because I still don't wanna go to bed." he sounds like a little kid bitching to his baby sitter. That's what I've been reduced to, a baby sitter for a twenty-two year old.

"Mr. Strider it's late. Sleep. I'm exhausted." he honest to gods starts pouting.

"No." he tilts his nose up into the air, defiant.

"Yes."

"No."

" _Yes_." this goes on for a few minutes. Until he's just saying no repeatedly, hands over his over sized ears. This has gone too far. I grab his wrists and yank them down to his sides, holding them at his hips. "Sir, you seem to be under the false impression that I will never get annoyed with you because you're my boss or whatever but I am this close to tackling your scrawny ass and chaining you to the bed. It's time to sleep" he smirks, silent for a few pleasant seconds, then he's laughing at me. Shaking a bit.

"Fine. You win. I'll go to bed. Under one condition."

"What?" he leans down, bent at the waist. He's too close. He tilts one of his cheeks closer to me.

"I want a kiss, and before you say no you should be aware that I won't go to bed until you do," so I do the only reasonable thing: pick up his scrawny ass over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, hauling him to the bed. "Hey! What are you doing? Put me down!" he wiggles around a bit before I do what he says, throwing him onto the bed.

"Sleep. Now." Strider crosses his arms.

"Or what? You'll tell my parents?"

"No I'll...... Break your turn tables," he gasps a little bit, shaking "You think I won't? I will. I'll just say you broke them, or that something happened on accident."

"Fine. I'll go to bed. Gods you're annoying. Thought you'd be more fun. Just let me turn the light off."

"I'll do it. And I'm not annoying you're just useless. It's in no way my fault you're a fuckin' idiot who acts like a goddamn child," I flick out all the candles and feel my way back to his bed "I don't see why you need me to sleep in your bed. I think you're just lying." I hear I soft clatter, he took off his shades I guess.

"Shut up and come here." when I don't instantly move closer he drags me over to him. He's cold. More cold than I knew people could be. Derse is cold, but I didn't think a person could be colder. I get it now. He probably will die if I don't stay here. "You smell like cherry pie."

"What?" Why is he fuckin' smelling me? Who does that?

"You smell like cherry pie." he sighs, happy or some shit.

His head is rested on top of my head, nestled in my hair. His sharp body digging into me. His arms have a tight grip on me, it's almost painful really. His knees are digging into my thighs, his arms into mine. Despite his claims of not being tired, he's snoring softly almost instantly. I soon fall asleep myself, hating myself for taking this job, because honestly? Free room and board aren't worth this asshole cuddling me with his all to thin body. Nothing would be. Though I'm still scared of losing this job, I need the cash. Besides I'll never work again if the prince fires me. It's the first day and I've already gotten myself half in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be a mistake but whatever, if people like it I'll keep it up.  
> This is ooc as fuck someone kill me.


	2. New toy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave Strider: adult, but still a brat.  
> Karkat Vantas: new guard, still annoying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alt title: Wow Gay?

Dave Strider, one of the princes of Derse. The younger one, third in line for the throne. Big day today, getting a new body guard, or well my first one. I've just been chilling in this limo, gotta pick him up myself, playing games on my phone for around half an hour maybe, then I see the front door to the small, cozy house I'm parked in front of open. Out jogs a small man. Should be my age. He's cute. He's got oddly wide hips, and freckles across his tan skin. When he doesn't just get in or even approach the limo I roll down the window lean out and yell "Yo, get in the car." he seems a bit shocked about that one. Nonetheless he climbs in tossing his duffel bag onto the floor. "Nice to meet you." I offer up a hand for him to shake. He shakes it, I nod a small bit.

"Karkat Vantas, nice to meet you too." his voice is a lot deeper than I thought it would be. It's very rough.

"You're a lot younger than I would've guessed." he seems peeved at this, but he does. He's got a baby face. 

"Don't care. Who the fuck are you? And who the fuck sends a limo to pick up a new body guard?" well shit. I'm not used to people talking back to me. They usually just listen out of fear.

"Well I can answer those two questions at the same time," I might as well kill two birds with one stone. "Dave Strider. Prince." The expression on his face is priceless. Eyes like dinner plates. 

"I am so sorry, sir. I just..." he starts to stutter off what's probably a very long winded apology that I get a lot. 

"It's all good, most people don't know what I look like, besides maybe the limo was a bit much." It's not a surprise he doesn't know what I look like though. 

"So...do you send a fucking limo to pick up all of your new bodyguards or am I really that important?" it's near instant that he goes back to talking back to me. I'm actually a bit happy that I get to be the one to tell him his new job.

"You're definitely important, you're my new personal bodyguard." he seems a bit taken aback by this.

"Listen I'm not being paid to baby sit some seventeen-year-old..." seventeen? I'm not seventeen! It's the braces ain't it? I know most people get there's off when they're teenagers but my teeth were really hella fucked.

"I'm not seventeen. I'm in my twenties. Early to be true. I'm only what twenty-two? I know I've got braces. I need them though. My teeth were fucked as a kid. All of them grew in weird. Also how didn't you know? And 'some seventeen-year-old' what?"

"Well, I don't really keep tabs on the royal family, though I guess now I have to, and I was gonna say some-seventeen-year-old brat...I mean, well, not a brat, but moreover a...what's the word?" more hurried apologies.

"I think it's 'brat'," I want to help him out with his limited vocabulary "and no you don't have to keep tabs on my family, just me." it's kinda obvious really, him being my 'personal guard' and all.

"What do you mean just you? I know you said personal guard, but I just thought you meant I would still have to guard your whole family." that's so stupid. Personal guard. Personal. I wonder what that shit means?

"No we've all got our own, Dirks got Jake, Rose has Kanaya, Roxy's got Callie. But me? I'm only getting one now. How unfair is that? I'm older than Rose! She's not even in line for the throne, but now I have you! Honestly you were the only candidate I wanted. You're just perfect." I lean in a bit, looking him over again. He's cuter than you'd think a trained guard would be.

"It's rude to stare sir," oh shit he caught me. "Didn't anybody teach you any manners? And as a matter of fact I don't remember applying for this. Just getting a notice I was hired. What the hell is up with that?" oh shit. I sit back, crossing my legs, trying to regain composure.

"Well...they tried to teach me manners but I never bothered paying attention to the lessons. And you didn't necessarily 'apply' I got to choose. I was given a wide array of choice, but you, well like I said...you're just perfect." he leans away from me. He reminds me of a small mammal hiding from a cat, or trying too at least.

"Now what does that mean exactly? 'perfect' I want to know why I'm the best choice for this."

""Simple really, you're the same age as me for one. And your file said that you were from Prospit right? That's pretty cool, Rose's is from there too. In fact so are all our personal guards, but you're still different. You're the only one who had been to both Prospit and Derse, that makes you objectively better than the other three," that may seem shallow and  trivial but....I don't have a defense it is really just me wanting a cute bodyguard. "Honestly you're as a whole better than the other three. Who cares about them or my family though. Tell me about you Kitkat." I want to hear about him, and avoid questions about me. He twitches a little at the nickname. Cute, I like cute.

"Firstly sir, it's Karkat. What do you want to know about me? Secondly, I don't appreciate being referred to in the terms of a new toy." new toy? What the hell does he mean about that? I'm just trying to be nice?

"Feisty, I like that," I do really, it's different "My apologies though Karkat, but as Prince of Derse and your boss I will use any terms I wish with you."

"I can always quit." you would think, but I often get what I want.

"Not really. I wanted you to be my guard."

"Well than how did you treat other guards? Not like this I hope for then they must be populating the asylums more than anybody else." heh good one.

"I've never had a personal guard. Don't see why Rose needs one before me. My family tends to treat theirs like this, so I don't know what you mean." 

"Well they're wrong. I'm not a toy. I'm somebody with a job. And that, according to the notice, is to keep you safe and I guess something else it's kinda unclear." 

"Well.....you're also taking the place of a normal servant. Not a guards job but still. Also who says you aren't a toy? I mean I asked for you, and I got you."

"Well did you whine and beg for me to be your guard to your parents?" yes "Honestly sir you need to know the difference. I'm a living thing, a person just like you are. Besides I don't come wrapped up in a neat bow under a wreath."

"I wish, that's how Dirk got Jake. It was weird though...I don't think Dirk wanted that," I think Jake might have planned that one himself. "Anyway yeah that's exactly what I did I had to beg mother for you, father couldn't care less. They eventually gave in and let me choose one, kinda like a puppy from a pen," the limo pulls to a stop, home finally. "Welcome to your new home. Let's go," with that he attempts to open my door for me, but I push his arm away "I've got it. I don't need help with everything." there it is, home. Most people would hate living here, it's cold, dark, and honestly not very homey, but to me it's a dream.

"So sir, is there any way you'd like me to address you?"

"Daddy." oh sweet Skaia why did I say that? Who says things like this to people they've just met? Me apparently.

"No." oh thank Skaia.

"Then I guess by name? Last name though." it may seem weird but being called Dave by a guard just seems a bit...unprofessional.

"I'll go with Mr. Strider thank you," he calls me Mr. Strider ain't that cute? "Now if I may ask where am I staying?"

"Just follow me, try to keep up." 

He seems to be having a hard time doing this, when sitting down he seemed a lot taller, but in reality he is leagues shorter than I am. I drag him through the castle til we reach my door, the one highest up. I swing open the red door and let him take it in for a second. My room is pretty cool I guess. I got my turn tables, my cage for sprite. What else does a dude need?

"So Mr. Strider where am I sleeping? In a room off of here or," he trails off and I point at my bed. "You want me to sleep in your bed? Really? I'm not a pet Mr. Strider."

"No, you have to."

"Mr. Strider. No." he's a bit harsher each time he refuses.

"You  _have_  to."

" _No_. I do not have to just because you are my boss. I will not sleep in your bed."

"No, you  _literally_  have to sleep in my bed."

"Why exactly do I have to sleep in the same bed as you?"

"Okay so you know how we're in mountains, and it's cold as fuck. Well me and my siblings all sleep in these towers. It's colder the higher you get and I'm the highest so it's the coldest. Of course we've got fire places, but we all still get way to cold. And burning wood all day and night would be wasteful. It would take from the kingdom. So we only burn it during the day. At night though it's even colder. So obviously we've got these sweet ass blankets, but that only works when you're already warm. Otherwise it just traps all that nasty stale air under itself. And people here well we don't produce heat as well as others...just my family really. So we need people to like sleep with us...no that sounds wrong, to sleep in the same bed as us, so we don't freeze to death."

"Maybe you wouldn't be so cold if your windows had panes." I chuckle a bit, does he think we haven't tried? I tell him this, adding on the slight fact that they usually crack before they get high enough. He doesn't seem to believe me but I guess he's gonna let it drop.

"Fine I'll sleep in your bed. Don't touch me though."

"I have to touch you, or I'll still be cold." I'm not even sure if that's true. For all I know it's enough to just lay there near him.

"Fine! Sounds fake but whatever!" I mean it could be fake.

"Great, so question. Nothing big but...." I can't say it it's weird, he couldn't hear me though. I say it a bit louder. "What do you sleep in?" oh gods he looks mad.

"I sleep in clothes obviously. Why? You hoping to cop a feel or something?" I can feel my ears heating up.

"No! Of course not it's just that I need to be really close and apparently some people sleep nude. Like Dirk's guard does, but like I don't think either of them cares. I'd really care though because that'd be kinda weird. To sleep in bed with a naked person. While fully clothed and I mean that'd be really weird and you might not like that because you don't know me. Also like that's kinda gross to try to touch someone like that without them saying it's fine," I continue to ramble off nonsense until someone, I already know who, knocks on the door. "What?"

Dirk pops in, he's near identical to me. Just sharper I guess like I'm all soft lines and he's all triangles and shit. "I wanted to know if your guard was here but it's clear he is, so did you tell him his job?" 

"I just did. It's all fine with him."

"Good, take care of Dave, he's...let's just say it he's an idiot." the last part is obviously directed at Karkat, and he snickers. Figures Dirk would embarrass me in his own nonchalant way.

"Dirk! Do you need anything else? If not please leave." as he's about to leave though Karkat asks him if he's sleeping with Jake. Dirk pales a little, I'm not sure why.

"Why would you think that?" his voice is strung tighter than a rope a clowns about to ride a unicycle over.

"Mr. Strider told me. It's a condition yes? You're family can't produce heat and needs to sleep with others in order to not freeze correct?"

"Oh...of course. Yes that is correct. Mine is named Jake if you need anything ask him or Dave. Jake's been here the longest of any of the guards."

"Noted of course," Dirk leaves with quick steps. "He loves Jake doesn't he? In love if I do say so myself." that's ridiculous though.

"What of course not? Why would you think that?"

"Did you not see the way he reacted when I asked about him sleeping with his guard? It's like he really thought I was asking if he was fucking him."

"Well that is a bit weird, but I think it's kinda illegal to date someone who's your employee?"

"Doesn't mean they won't do it."

"True. So now I gotta show you around! Didn't get to welcome you to my room, your new room, whatever. So over there is the sitting room," it's really just a love seat and a few other things but gotta put up a good face "There's the bathroom, and that cage is for sprite."

"Sprite?"

"Bird of mine, he's cool. Gotta admit he comes and goes as he wants. So I've got things to do today, so I guess just follow me around. Be good though. I don't want my parents taking you away." He seems a bit annoyed by that, I like him. He's funny.

* * *

God I hate my job, most people act like being a prince is some really fun thing, like you have no responsibilities and just let others do everything for you. Well news flash it's not all interviews with the press and having servants do shit for you, it's going to like seventeen meetings and then not remembering any of the topics. It's been hours of nothing but stuffy meetings and Karkat standing behind me. He's way to stubborn with his job. After the umpteenth meeting he pulls me aside to tell me my ties not tied right. After a quick thanks and a smile from me, he unties the tie, and fixes it, for some reason when he tightens it my head feels cloudy.

"There you go. Better? Good, it was getting annoying watching you mess with it all the time."

"Really? You can't just be nice?"

"You should learn how to tie a tie then. I don't want to have to help you get dressed. You're not a child."

"Well yeah that's true, but I don't have to learn you're here." oh god he's gonna think I'm fucking insane. We hit up the last meeting which is just trying to convince Dirk to get married before Father dies. I don't say anything the whole time. No one notices this. Karkat quietly mumbles complaints about the stairs on the way back to my room, I guess it takes a while to get used to all the stairs. When we reach my room he asks if I want to go straight to bed. I'm tired as all fuck, but still I want to put off sleep for as long as I can. "What? No I don't wanna go to bed yet, not tired. Besides I want you to meet sprite," sprite is the coolest "I know he's back by now, always is," I drag him outside into the cold "There he is." sprite's back in his cage. He's not a bird of prey though, orange and rounded. "'Sup sprite, sorry you just got back, but it's still nap time dude." I toss a blanket over his cage "Okay there you go. Now we go to bed." but I still don't want to, so I head to the bathroom instead. It's nice I guess, mostly marble. Cold stone like the rest of the castle. As I wash my face I sing a bit, a song my mom used to sing when I was little and couldn't sleep. The lyrics all blend together but it's still sweet. I have to pin up my hair, and take off my shades to do it. I peek out the keyhole while I put on my pajamas, he's changing into a set of plain red flannels. He looks cute.

"Sooooo I have one last question."

"What?"

"How tired are you? Because I still don't wanna go to bed." he gives me the look Rose gives me sometimes the 'are you serious Dave you're an adult.' look.

"Mr. Strider it's late. Sleep. I'm exhausted." so am I dude, but being awake and sleep deprived is better.

"No."

"Yes." I can't really see him the way my heads tilted but I can tell he's annoyed.

"No."

" _Yes_." I'm not sure how or when but eventually the 'fight' ends up with me covering my ears and saying no over and over again like a child. I almost don't realize it when he's pinned my arms down to my sides. I don't like it. Bad memories all around. I smirk through it though, then I'm shaking a bit. I'm not sure if I'm laughing.

"Fine. You win. I'll go to bed. Under one condition."

"What?" I bend over turning one of my cheeks towards him.

"I want a kiss, and before you say no you should be aware that I won't go to bed until you do," and this fucker picks me up. Just straight up throws me over his shoulder. "Hey! What are you doing? Put me down!" he eventually throws me down on the bed.

"Sleep. Now."

"Or what? You'll tell my parents?" I huff.

"No I'll...... Break your turn tables," my babies, my children. "You think I won't? I will. I'll just say you broke them, or that something happened on accident."

"Fine. I'll go to bed. Gods you're annoying. Thought you'd be more fun. Just let me turn the light off."

"I'll do it. And I'm not annoying you're just useless," he flicks off the light, now I can take off my shades "It's in no way my fault you're a fuckin' idiot who acts like a goddamn child. I don't see why you need me to sleep in your bed. I think you're just lying."

"Shut up and come here," he doesn't though, I gotta drag him over to me. He's warm, it's weird I'm not used to this. I bury my face into his hair. "You smell like cherry pie."

"What?" oh gods I said that out loud. Okay play it cool Dave, play it cool. You can do this.

"You smell like cherry pie." oh. my. gods. I just said it again! Why am I like this?

I nestle into his hair a bit more, he's very soft. I bring him in a bit closer, tightening my grip. I hope I'm not hurting him, I know how thin I am most people in my family are, he's plush. I drift to sleep and dream of his face, of his voice, of his smell. Hot cherry pie. My favorite. It's only day one and I have no intention of giving up my new toy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get worse at writing everytime I get on my computer, I swear. I'm sorry it's trash and the seven people waiting for chapter two here you go!


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